The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
