i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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