Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
