i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
