Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
