My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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