There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
