If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
