i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
