I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
