you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
