i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
