you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
