official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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