So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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