if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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