There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
