I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
