Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
