Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
