Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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