Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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