i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Randomize
