Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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