Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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