he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
