Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
