i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
