mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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