Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
