Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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