I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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