my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
