You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She bit a glass in half.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
