How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
