I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
