GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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