At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
