pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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