idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
