He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
