i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize