dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
