my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
