Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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