Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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