my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
