I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
