I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
