And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
