if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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