he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
